10 Things I've Learned as an Autism Mom

When my kids were really young (i.e. before my son's autism symptoms started coming out), I kinda felt like I was such a lucky parent. My kids were generally well-behaved and kind, and I had no trouble congratulating myself for that. I wouldn't say that I looked down on other parents who struggled with difficult children. But to be honest, I just didn't know. You know that kind of know, the kind that rips your soul in two and stitches you up into a completely new parent.

I expected my son's autism diagnosis to mean that I would learn a whole lot about being a mom of a child with autism. What I didn't expect is how it would shape my perspective as a parent, in general. This is what I've learned:

1. Everybody hates seeing that kid on the playground, at the grocery store, etc. It is a completely different experience to be that kid's mother.
2. The way your kids turn out has more to do with their personality than it does with your parenting style.
3. All kids act like jerks from time to time. Every single one. No one is immune.
4. All kids act wonderfully from time to time. Every single one. No one is immune.
5. There is a difference between helicopter parenting and acting as a child's advocate. This distinction is never easy to make, and practically no one looking from the outside can tell.
6. By saying that your kid will "never do" X, Y, Z, you are not so much jinxing yourself as you are showing the entire world the kind of person you are. And it's not flattering.
7. It is so easy to forget about the little things that drove you crazy when your kids were younger. Some parents are still in that phase, and deserve compassion.
8. Having a child with special needs will kill all the parenting hubris in you. That's good, because...
9. Hubris is the worst parenting flaw you could ever have.
10. Parenting a child with special needs can suck out of you every ounce of energy you have. All the patience. All the care.

Most of this is just embellishment, the things we do or think as parents that we don't really need. When you cast them off, and you can feel it, you become something raw. Something new. A parent who can sort through the bullshit and find new paths that keep things simple and uncluttered. A parent who can empathize with others who are struggling and largely avoid passing judgment. Having a child with autism has broken me many, many times. But each time, I am renewed stronger, faster, smarter. Much like my son.